Tunia: Romantic Relationships

My dearest brothers and sisters, 

This is Tunia speaking. I love you so very much.

Today I would like to talk about romantic relationships. I consider this to be an important topic, because a good relationship can bring you a lot of joy and peace of mind as well as personal growth. A lot of people have personal needs that are met in good relationships, while those personal needs may be hard to meet outside of a good relationship.

That said, a bad relationship can be very destructive. It's usually better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. Even an okay but ultimately incompatible relationship can hold you back and distract you from things that may be very important to you.

I will mostly focus on things that may not be obvious to everyone. There is some common relationship advice out there that I absolutely agree with and that is solid, but that is also so commonly known already that there would be little point in me repeating it. So this is not an exhaustive guide on how to do relationships, it's more some additional tips that people may not be aware of already.

Also, I will be generalizing here. Not everything I say will be true for everyone.

"You need to be able to be happy alone, before you are ready for a relationship"

One of the sayings on your world is that you need to be able to be happy alone, before you are ready for a relationship.

Now, it is true that if someone is terrified or feels depressed at the thought of not being in a relationship, then yes, probably there is some issue there that could be gently worked on. Still, overall I consider that to be a destructive and unfair statement. Very, very few people are genuinely able to be fully happy while being alone -- if I was not in a relationship, I would not feel fully happy. The vast majority of people simply have needs that are hard to satisfy outside of a romantic relationship, especially there on Earth, where it is hard to find a loving and safe community that could otherwise meet some social needs that people have.

It is not spiritual or good for people to push away their needs and pretend that they are completely happy while being alone, if their genuine truth is that they are not. Sure, people may be happy to an extent while being alone, but humans are simply a social species. The vast majority of us are simply not wired to be alone.

And yes, the vast majority of humans are sexual beings too. Regular good sex is one of my personal needs, and is a personal need of the vast majority of humanity. There is nothing unspiritual about this -- I simply don't feel as good or as feminine or as desirable or as happy if I'm not able to tease and then ride my husband's amazing penis every few days or so. There is absolutely nothing bad or shameful about any of this, and I am not flawed or broken for having sexual needs. The vast majority of people simply are sexual beings.

Moreover, most people are actually able to grow and heal more quickly while being inside of a good relationship, rather than if they are single.

That said, there may absolutely be specific periods in someone's life where it is good for them to be alone for a while. For example, if they just came out of a previous relationship. 

If you are currently unable to find a partner, it might be the case that your soul wants you to be alone and work on something for a while. Also note that in general, it's easier for men to date in their 30s than in their 20s. So to all 20-something men out there who can't find a partner: my heart goes out to you, but it's entirely possible that you will have significantly more success dating in your 30s, assuming that you lay a pretty good foundation for the rest of your life in your 20s. Yes, I know that feels way too far away. I empathize. I do wish the dating situation was easier on Earth, for everyone. I know that dating is hard for many people.

One skill to work on while you're not in a relationship yet

If you're not in a relationship yet, then one critical skill that you can work on is becoming emotionally safe to be around. This is essential for both men and women, and for both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. Most men absolutely crave having an emotionally safe partner, like they crave water in a desert -- although they may initially pick the conventionally hot woman over the emotionally safe woman. For women, being with an emotionally safe partner is critical too. It's what may help her to unfold and bloom and become her most beautiful and radiant and best self. And yes, women tend to become more sexual and enjoy sex more too if they feel emotionally safe.

The vast, vast majority of people actually are not very emotionally safe to be around. So if you can become emotionally safe, then that's something that can make you stand out to potential future partners.

Emotional safety is a spectrum: people can be emotionally safe to a greater or lesser extent. Very few people are 0% or 100% emotionally safe.

A completely emotionally safe person loves the other person unconditionally, no matter what they do and say, and expresses that. At most they will disagree with and disapprove of certain actions that the other person does, or they may realize that they are not compatible romantically with the other person. But they will never forget that the other person is fundamentally a divine fractal of Source and therefore infinitely valuable and infinitely deserving of love.

A completely emotionally safe person doesn't try to push a worldview or set of beliefs onto other people. They simply aren't so scared that they feel that they need to change other people to feel safe themselves. Very many people on Earth right now are playing this game -- they feel unsafe and they try to make themselves feel safer by trying to get other people to embrace their worldview. But in turn, this only makes that other person feel unsafe too. However, the emotionally safe person doesn't try to push their worldview onto others. And this person understands that other people are on their own journey, and ultimately the soul is immortal and can't be damaged, therefore it is okay if other people make so-called bad choices. They are just walking their own path.

A completely emotionally safe person is able to see the value in other perspectives, even if he or she doesn't agree with them. If you feel very hostile towards a certain opinion, try genuinely researching it and talking to people who have that opinion, until you are able to at least see some value or plausibility in that perspective. You don't need to agree with every perspective, but ideally you should be able to do a pretty good job defending any common perspective that's out there, even if you don't agree with it.

A completely emotionally safe person is genuinely curious about the other person and will try to get to know them, without trying to change them. A completely emotionally safe person also doesn't try to fix the other person's problems unless asked. A completely emotionally safe person listens with the intention to understand, which is actually very rare on your world, and will probably only give unsolicited advice once they fully understand the other person (which is much later than the point where most people give advice).

A completely emotionally safe person does not personally experience emotional turmoil or pain if someone else tells them a story about something painful or traumatic that happened to them. Thus, people correctly feel like they can tell the emotionally safe person anything, without hurting them or being judged by them or being told by them what to think. It is impossible to "trauma dump" on a completely emotionally safe person, because this person is simply compassionate and empathetic and listens well but is not personally emotionally disturbed by hearing about someone else's trauma.

A completely emotionally safe person might tell the other person that they are loved, they are good just as they are, that every part of them is welcome from the point of view of the emotionally safe person, that the other person doesn't need to do or say or pretend to be anything they're not, that a lot of things are possible but almost nothing is required, and that the other person is always free to state their boundaries and that they will be respected. An emotionally safe person might thank the other person for stating their boundaries.

A completely emotionally safe person is open, authentic, vulnerable, freely expresses genuine admiration and approval and will express it if other people inspire him or help him or her to become a better version of themselves.

With regards to those areas where the completely emotionally safe person does not have personal expertise or personal guidance or something like that, his or her opinions are only held with say 80% conviction and certainty, instead of 100% conviction and certainty.

It is actually somewhat strange to me just how many people on Earth have very firm and judgemental opinions about very complex matters, in which they may not have any personal expertise. To me, it would be more appropriate for people to state that they believe that a certain thing is true, but they are not completely sure.

I am absolutely not saying that you should blindly listen to so-called experts, because unfortunately the media sometimes pretends that all experts universally have a certain opinion, while in reality the media only shows those experts whose message they want to push, and hence an illusion of consensus is created where none exists. Also, unfortunately, some perceived experts are corrupt or even straight-up evil. So if your TV tells you that all experts agree on a certain thing, then it is entirely possible that your TV is lying and that no such consensus actually exists. This means that even if your worldview supposedly aligns with the scientific worldview, even then that's no reason to be 100% sure that your opinion is correct, because you cannot be sure that the TV is right that scientists actually agree on that worldview. Furthermore, even if all scientists really do agree on something, they might still be wrong. There are countless examples throughout history of where most scientists agreed on something but that later turned out to be false.

So I am not saying that people shouldn't have opinions. I am saying that you will be more emotionally safe to others if you are not pretending that you are 100% sure on those specific matters about which you do not have personal expertise or have iron-clad inner guidance or something like that. You can still have opinions, but maybe be like 80% sure instead of 100% sure about them. After all, today you would probably strongly disagree with some of the opinions you held 20 years ago, right? Well, doesn't that suggest that maybe your current opinions should still be held but maybe not gripped as tightly?

To me, pretending that they are 100% sure that you have the correct opinion about a very complex topic, is yet another thing that people use to make themselves feel safe. However this actually makes the people around them feel less safe.

Right now almost everyone on Earth is using strategies that make themselves feel safer while making some people around them feel less safe. You can understand that if everyone acts that way, then everyone ends up feeling quite unsafe, and indeed that is the current reality on Earth. This also means that if you are one of the few people who is actually emotionally safe, then people will really like being around you.

So, that all sounds amazing, but how can you actually become an emotionally safe person?

Well, some of these things can just be practiced, such as listening to someone with the intention to fully understand them, and only giving unsolicited advice once you do fully understand them. You can practice this with anyone.

And some of those things will automatically click into place once you have done enough spiritual development and self-healing and integration work. For example, Hakann's Observation Path is an excellent tool for this. You can find that via a google search or similar. If you practice the observation path every single day for say a year, even if just for a few minutes every day, then absolutely you will be an emotionally safer person to be around after a year. Also, most self-healing, self-love and integration work will make you an emotionally safer person to be around. The more safe you feel, the more emotionally safe people will feel around you.

Finally, remember that I said that emotional safety is a spectrum. You don't need to be all the things I mentioned above, to be more emotionally safe than most people.

What kind of a partner are you looking for?

Let's discuss the next topic with regards to romantic relationships.

It is important to know what kind of relationship you are looking for, and what kind of partner you are looking for.

Are you looking for a one-night stand, a friends-with-benefits or a conventional romantic relationship? Do you want a monogamous or some other kind of romantic relationship? 

Other than deciding what kind of relationship you want, it's also important to decide what that relationship will look like. Do you want children? Do you want to travel all the time or mostly live in one place? What is your current direction in life? Do you want that you and your partner are both conventionally ambitious and successful? Do you want you and your partner to both be fit and prioritize enough exercise?

And then there is the question of what values you want your partner to have. Do you require that they are spiritual? That they work on themselves? That they communicate well?

Consciously deciding what you want while you are single, may energetically pull compatible people towards you, plus it will focus your attention which may help you recognize opportunities as they come along. People who feel unattractive might think that they should "keep their options open", but really, if you consciously decide what you would ideally like to have as a relationship, then it is easier for you to manifest that and likely you will slightly more quickly end up in a relationship.

I've talked about manifesting in my message "Tunia Q&A -- how to manifest." Very briefly put, if your soul and conscious mind and subconscious and emotions are all in alignment towards you finding a partner, then you will find them effortlessly. It is very easy for your soul to line you up with someone compatible. But if either your soul or your subconscious thinks that right now you should be alone and work on yourself, then the classic manifestation techniques most likely will not work for you. So if you seem completely unable to manifest a partner, it might be time to either work on yourself or your life, or just do things that are fun, or something like that.

Is this person compatible with me for a relationship?

I recommend talking about and being brutally picky about fundamental compatibility issues. For example, if one person really wants children and the other really doesn't, then unfortunately those people simply aren't compatible, no matter how much they might love the other person. If one person wants to travel a lot together with their partner, and the other person hates travelling, then that's a fundamental incompatibility.

However I recommend not being super picky about issues that can be solved with time or communication. If the other person simply doesn't dress very well or has an unflattering haircut, that is something that doesn't need to be a deal-breaker, assuming the other person is willing to listen and has a growth mindset. 

Also, if you don't feel immediate fireworks for this person, then that by itself might not be enough reason to reject them. How much fireworks you do or don't immediately feel doesn't say a lot about how happy you will be together in the long run -- fireworks fade, after all. How instantly hot the other person is, probably isn't the most important thing in the long term. If the sex isn't immediately great but the other person communicates and is willing to learn and try out what you tell them, then that doesn't need to be a deal-breaker. Though if the other person refuses to listen to you even though you communicate your needs, then that can certainly be a deal-breaker.

Ideally, also try to be as authentic as you can be towards the other person, so that they can make a well-informed choice too. Ideally try to show the most important parts of yourself and ideally don't be afraid of them. A person who is truly compatible with you might actually like something that you consider to be a flaw. I know this feels scary,  but it is actually less painful to get rejected quickly rather than hide yourself and get rejected a year into the relationship.

Both masculinity and femininity are sometimes demonized on Earth, but most men are attracted to feminine women with a bit of masculine energy; and most women are attracted to masculine men with a bit of feminine energy (so long as you use a reasonable definition of the word "masculine" and don't associate masculinity with mostly negative traits). If you feel blocked in or hostile to your masculine or feminine energy, that might be an area to work on.

That said, there are relatively few people who have about as much feminine and masculine energy. Those people tend to feel most compatible with other people who have about as much masculine and feminine energy. 

Most beings inherently have somewhere in the range of 70% of the energy of their birth gender and 30% of the other energy. Most people on Earth haven't quite unlocked the 30% energy of the other gender. That said, the exact percentage varies widely from one person to the next.

When in doubt, you can always ask your soul for advice. This just means saying or thinking: "my soul, should I date this person?" The answer that arises immediately is the one from your soul. It will sound like your regular inner voice, but the answer will be from your soul.

Connecting with your partner while in a relationship

Much of the advice from the emotional safety discussion above is excellent to practice while you're in a relationship.

It also helps to consciously communicate what things you need to feel good, and to ask the other person what they need to feel good. If you're with a compatible person, you should be able to meet the other person's primary needs and it shouldn't feel like a huge burden. If it does feel like a huge burden, perhaps there is some fundamental incompatibility there.

You should treat the other person as neither more important nor less important than yourself. This means that you should occasionally expend a bit of effort on things that make the other person really happy, and the other person should do the same. If you treat the other person as less important than you, then usually they will eventually become unhappy, unless they have some dysfunctional psychological patterns. If you treat the other person as more important, than usually in time you will become unhappy, plus in time they will actually become uncomfortable in the relationship too if they love you and don't have dysfunctional patterns themselves.

To some people, it can help to not just think in terms of "what does John need and what does Anna need", but also to think in terms of "what does the relationship itself need?" For example, this can remind you to keep doing exciting and romantic things together, and not get in a rut.

Fundamentally, humans are meant to be in a relationship with another person who literally reads their mind. Of course I realize that most Earth humans are currently unable to do this. That said, you can get at least some of that benefit by simply communicating openly and authentically with each other, with as little filter as you can manage. Ideally you're both emotionally safe enough that you can express yourself without worrying about being judged or about burdening the other person with your irritation or by having the other person try to help or change or advise you where that is not desired.

There is a tantra exercise where both people take turns to just say out loud literally everything that comes to mind, unfiltered, for a period of say a few minutes. Then the other person thanks them and perhaps asks questions for clarification, if desired. I realize this is a bit scary, but this is actually psychologically very healthy and connective. This may be the next best thing next to mind reading that people have to feel seen and heard.

So, I hope this gave you some things to think about. As I stated earlier, a lot of common Earth advice is solid too. I am just hoping to give some additional tips here that are not as common on Earth.

I love you and I wish the very best for every single one of you.

Tunia